All Dressed Up And Nothing To Say

Remember when Janet Jackson’s nipple was going to cause America to turn into Sodom and Gomorrah? The right-wing conservatives (and all those parents’ groups) cried out that one little nipple would be the cause of our society’s downfall. The effect would be devastating. It seemed that we, as a people, had to be protected from a slight suggestion of sexuality. And what did we learn? Sex is communicable. Through cable. That’s the power of TV.

Good thing that violence isn’t as easily transmitted over the airwaves. Otherwise, could just one network bear the responsibility of broadcasting all these shows within the same week?

COLD CASE - Lilly and her team set out to find a 1962 suicide victim’s killer.

NCIS - When a reserve officer is killed in Iraq, his wife suspects all is not what it seems.

CSI: MIAMI - A body in a sinkhole leads the team to a robbery, whose target holds a shocking secret.

CSI - The CSI team investigates several cases, including victims who have green blood.

CRIMINAL MINDS - Conflicted by his own sexual identity, a serial killer targets gay men as his victims.

WITHOUT A TRACE - A lottery winner who wants to do good with her money vanishes after a camping trip.

NUMB3RS - Members of a cult refuse medical assistance after being mass poisoned.

I guess I shouldn’t be critical, though. After all, I haven’t noticed an increase in crime being reported on the evening news (and you can read that sentence again, with an appropriate sarcastic tone).

But in a nation of gun owners, apparently our television shows just reflect our preferences and priorities. And that’s probably for the best. So please, join me in repeating our new national mantra:

“GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE. NIPPLES KILL PEOPLE.”

Now don’t you feel better?

It’s the most… wonderful time… of the year!

I’m not sure why, but the NCAA men’s basketball tournament is so much fun to watch. Is it the promise of a new Cinderella story? Is it the wild upsets that nobody could ever possibly predict? Or maybe it’s the earnest and up-tempo spirit of the game that somehow gets lost in the NBA?

Nah, it’s the chance to win $300 in the office pool. Maybe next year. Damn you, Duke!

Last fall, there was a major oil spill in San Francisco Bay. I found about it nearly a week after it occurred. I was shocked at how seemingly out-of-touch I was. CNN.com is my home page, for f@ck’s sake, and I at least skim it a dozen times or more each day. How was it possible that news of a major environmental disaster went completely unnoticed?

Well, just take a look at some of CNN’s top stories from today alone:

Newborn falls through toilet onto rail track

Boy George denies chaining escort to wall

Son’s spirit saved me from fire, dad says

House full of feces, filth may be leveled

CNN, elevate your game! Maybe read msnbc.com or bbc.co.uk from time to time. There’s so much important news around the world that doesn’t involve babies, pets, or white girls gone missing — why do you need to lower the bar and plumb the depths of society on a daily basis? Are the ratings really that good??

It’s a lazy Saturday evening and I’m grumpy. More than 150,000 channels on my digital cable (ok, that may be an exaggeration); yet, there’s nothing on TV that interests me. Which seems odd, since there are a number of cable networks that hold promise - but continue to veer from their promise in an attempt to appeal more to the masses.

And that’s what frustrates me!

We’ve all heard people complain about the changes to MTV over the years. Originally, it began as a music video network. But apparently, they weren’t satisfied with the size of their audience. So, they broadened their reach into so many other types of programming that, today, MTV has become EMPTY-V if you’re just looking to watch musical performances.

Well, MTV isn’t the only cable channel to let me down. Here are five other cable networks that used to comfort me in my times of need … until they strayed from their original mission.

TV LAND - A network that shows reruns of classic TV shows. What a great idea. It was spun-off from Nick-at-Nite, because people clamored for more classic television. Well, apparently, there just aren’t enough old shows. No more remain. Because now “TV Land is Movie Land” on the weekends. And I’m flipping.

CNN HEADLINE NEWS - Anyone remember when it actually ran down the national and international headlines every half hour? It was a great fall-back station - and damn addicting. But, apparently, there just isn’t enough news happening in the world to fill their news cycle. So bring on Nancy Grace and Glenn Beck. And I’m flipping.

THE WEATHER CHANNEL - This is just plain sad. I always thought The Weather Channel was all about watching current weather develop - and hearing your local forecast. And though it was repetitive, it was hypnotic. And suddenly an hour - no, two - had passed. And you were still entranced. Except, apparently, there isn’t enough exciting weather raining down on the world. And so we relive old weather patterns on Storm Stories and Epic Conditions (and miss our favorite TWC feature: Local on the 8’s). And I’m flipping.

ESPN-U - It’s all about college sports. And that’s most excellent. Except when it’s all about high school sports. Which isn’t quite the same thing. But, apparently, there aren’t enough college sports to fill a 24/7 schedule (which is a little unbelievable, but apparently true). And I’m flipping.

SCI-FI CHANNEL - Since when did “science fiction” and “horror” become synonymous? And I’m flipping.

But WHAT am I flipping to? Well, there’s always one more fall-back position that I can count on - the digital music stations. OK, it’s basically our old-fashioned MTV, without the video (but with the music). It’s old-fashioned radio, being played through a television. And, so far, it’s delivering what it promises.

Well, until they run out of music. And then, I’m flipping.

The writers are back! The Daily Show is back!!

Leno still sucks…

I’m sitting here watching the Fox, er, Bridgestone Firestone Super Bowl Halftime Show (which immediately followed the SoBe Life Halftime Report), and seeing a lifeless, moribund Tom Petty on stage, his mouth covered by a gigantic microphone, presumably to prevent us from seeing just how much he is lip-synching. When did Tom die? Or is his part just being played by Larry King tonight? Someone get him some SoBe Life, STAT! Or maybe some new Bridgestone run-flats.

Please Fox… bring back Janet Jackson and wardrobe malfunctions. Or Terrell Owens and a desperate housewife. Or even Prince. Although, seeing all the paid mosh-pitters running gleefully out on to the field was pretty hilarious, as was seeing them spontaneously light up their faux-Fox-candles and swaying to the recording, er, performance of Free Falling, as if on cue.

And Danica Patrick has a big, fat, hairy beaver (that’s just for the Google hits).

We wouldn’t be a blog if we didn’t share our year-end opinions with you. After all, our opinions matter. Period. Exclamation point. Additional punctuation marks, as necessary.

So, we offer the First Annual “RaJe Awards” (you can figure it out … Ray, Jeff … and it’s pronounced “rage” just because). So, without further commentary, let’s get on to our outRaJeous selections. The envelope please (OK, totally unnecessary, but it seemed appropriate).

FAVORITE TV SERIES OF 2007

Jeff: Dexter

Ray: Boston Legal

FAVORITE NEW TV SERIES

Jeff: Damages

Ray: Dirty Sexy Money

FAVORITE TV MOMENT

Jeff: Jack giving a “motivational speech” to a group of underprivileged children on “30 Rock” (episode 29, “Cougars”)

Ray: Olive Snook singing “Hopelessly Devoted to You” (and dancing with Digby) on “Pushing Daisies” (episode 2 or 3 or 4 … there aren’t that many yet)

THREE OTHER TV SERIES I MUST MENTION

Jeff: Friday Night Lights, John from Cincinnati, 30 Rock

Ray: 30 Rock, The Amazing Race, Brothers & Sisters

FAVORITE MOVIE OF 2007

Jeff: Sunshine

Ray: Sweeney Todd

THREE OTHER MOVIES I MUST MENTION

Jeff: Juno, The Great Debaters, 1408

Ray: Sicko, Hairspray, The Simpsons Movie

FAVORITE POLITICAL MOMENT - ELECTION-ORIENTED

Jeff: Rudy Guiliani “spontaneously” taking a phone call from “his wife” during a speech to the NRA

Ray: Mitt Romney redefining the word “saw” to mean “didn’t see”

FAVORITE POLITICAL MOMENT - OTHER

Jeff: Jerry Falwell “exiting the stage” and hopping on that down escalator

Ray: Senator Larry Craig’s hilarious interview with Matt Lauer on “Dateline NBC”

BIGGEST WASTE OF SPACE & TIME

Jeff: Trivia Night at the Mass Ave Pub (Kool-Aid - holla!)

Ray: Britney Hilton-Lohan

It’s difficult to narrow down the billions of people in this world to just a few “People of the Year 2007.” And what, in fact, is the definition of “People of the Year”? Are they people who impacted the world in ways heretofore unknown or unexpected? Are they people who will have a long-lasting legacy - one that will affect our children, grandchildren and (dare I say) great-grandchildren? Are they people who will forever be remembered for what they accomplished in this simple 365-day period?

Ahh … who cares about all of that? Here are MY “People of the Year” - those people IN PUBLIC LIFE who impacted ME! Note: I’m not including people I actually know, because then I’d leave people out and they’d get all mad at me and then I’d have to buy them something to make them feel better when, in fact, I probably meant to leave them out in the first place.

In no particular order (but numbered anyway, because lists look better that way) …

1. DENNY CRANE & ALAN SHORE - OK, they’re fictional lawyers in a fictional city (Boston doesn’t really exist, does it?). But they’re the most entertaining fictional characters I know. And I anxiously await their arrival every Tuesday night at 10:00 Eastern Time on my local ABC affiliate. Hilarious and heartwarming … their final balcony scene at the end of every show just makes me happy all over.

2. THE CAST OF “30 ROCK” - More hilarity. More happiness. And, of course, Kenneth the NBC page.

3. SGT. DAVE KARSNIA - Who else would sit in a bathroom stall all day just to catch an obscure senator from an obscure state in an obscene act? Thank you for taking such a wide stance on such a narrow issue.

4. ASHLEY FERL - I related to your uncontrollable 13-year-old emotional outburst at seeing Sanjaya on “American Idol.” I often felt like crying when I saw him performing, as well.

5. SOPHIA WISE & MICHAEL THOT - The two of you singlehandedly (doublehandedly? quadruplehandedly?) held together Bonanza City and helped create the first (and probably last) Kid Nation. For those of us who believe that children are our future (I’m looking at you, Whitney), you restored our hope.

6. KEITH OLBERMANN - You’ve given me clarity, even when I didn’t realize that I needed some.

7. ALLISON STEWART - The best of the “Not Keiths” - you’ve given me clarity, even when Keith had other commitments and couldn’t bother to countdown the top stories of the day.

8. LAUREN CAITLIN UPTON - Like, uh, when the Iraq and, uh, South Africa, uh, like needed assistance because there weren’t like, uh, maps, you were the, uh, go-to girl, the town crier, the best representative of the American educational system that appeared on television this year. Congratulations South Carolina.

9. JOHNNY DEPP - Sometimes, it’s like looking in the mirror.

10. AL GORE - Not sure why.

Now that you see my “People of the Year,” perhaps you understand better why I am the way I am. Or maybe not.

Once again, I’ll admit that I may be a little slow at times. But here’s a list of just a few things I don’t need to be told again … because I think I get it.

1. “This call may be recorded for quality control or training purposes.” Yeah. These days, I’m assuming that everything is being recorded for one reason or another.

2. “Your business is important to us.” Which is usually followed by “Please stay on the line and the next available representative will be with you.” Which makes me feel real important.

3. “Results aren’t typical.” Really? You mean to tell me that everyone who signs up won’t earn $5,000 a day? Disheartening.

4. “Professional stunt person. Do not attempt at home.” OK, let me say … if I attempt those stunts at home, I deserve to die. Just sayin.

5. “Pre-cooked weight.” I completely understand. It was a big burger in the freezer. It’s a small burger on my bun. Not your fault. Shrinkage could not have been anticipated.

6. “Side effects may include vomiting, diarrhea … “ OK, too much information. I’d rather be surprised.

7. “Leave a message after the tone.” Let’s all agree that we’ll count on there being a tone to indicate when we should leave a message. You only need to tell us if your system differs from this standard.

8. “The views expressed in the interviews and commentaries are solely those of the individuals providing them and do not reflect the opinions of Twentieth Century Fox Corporation, its parent, affiliate or subsidiary companies.” Commentaries? Expressing personal opinions? Intriguing concept.

9. “This show was filmed in front of a live studio audience.” Better than a dead one.

10. “Looking ahead to the seven-day forecast … ” Which actually means: “We’re not sure what the weather will be tomorrow, but let’s pretend to know what it will be next week.” Just don’t make any plans based on it.

That’s all I have to share right now. But please be sure to send your comments my way. You can rest assured “they’ll be answered in the order received.” Or not. How would you ever know?

A coworker sent this montage to me, and I found it very enjoyable and quite hypnotic. It’s set to one of my favorite pieces of music - one of J. S. Bach’s suites for unaccompanied cello.